some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
