You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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