I am in a vortex of obligation.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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