I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
