the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
