Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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