I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize