So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
