I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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