wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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