Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize