it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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