mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
stop calling my apartment porn island.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need to calm my uterus...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
