DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
