was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
