today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
