My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to cum in my sink.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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