My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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