Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
