I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize