I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
