Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
And then he peed in my hair
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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