I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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