Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
