I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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