Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
