did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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