Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
