I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
