She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
