You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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