I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
