if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
