I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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