Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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