What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
