the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
