I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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