I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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