My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
