I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
