She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
