I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
