The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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