i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
