Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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