there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
