If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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