can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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