I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you're hired as official boob wrangler
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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