How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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