I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
