I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
