Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
