I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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