i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
