you have to choose: penises or morals?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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