Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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