the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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