He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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