Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
