I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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