I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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